I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]