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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Happy Star Wars day!
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules