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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Just how popey was the pope today?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
The only good comments section online is on recipes
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
when there are deer in the woods
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!