Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.