*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.