Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
uh oh
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
This a good idea
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Lmao 🤣
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.