[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective