Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Saturday
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.