This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
you stereotypes are all alike
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004