Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken