Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo