Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Thrilling chase underway
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Knock Knock
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭