Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
“I FIXED IT!”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.