If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Got ya covered
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
This trial is so absurd 😭
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I didn’t realize that was an option
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.