I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The options really are this bad
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat