I have obtained a hat
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“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I know karate and tons of other words.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things