Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead