There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…