Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?