ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ