[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I have so many questions.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)