I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.