*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?