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Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Canada has crack?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I see your IQ test came back negative
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.