No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*