Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.