“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
went fishing caught a bass
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.