Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early