Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime