body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
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JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
No Google it does not
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file