Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?