I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Squirrels before girls.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.