Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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For the ones in the back.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.