After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Lucky for them, they’re cute
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.