Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?