to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I like crazy people until they notice me
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.