My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.