I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures