“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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handsome & gretel
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]