My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
True?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Peace was never an option
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen