A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Great Canadian literature.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.