I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
she has a point
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen