Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.