Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
You Might Also Like
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
the three branches of government
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me