my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU