If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog