When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What鈥檚 this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Me: I have too much to do, there鈥檚 not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Number of times I鈥檝e cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I鈥檝e thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don鈥檛 think I鈥檇 even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I鈥檒l be married by 30 (I鈥檓 41 for context)
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it鈥檚 new 馃槀馃ズ
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My daughter: Can I go to my friend鈥檚 house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you鈥檙e okMe when I was 10: I鈥檓 off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner鈥檚 at 5
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My friend asked what I鈥檇 say if my husband told me he鈥檇 never touch me again? I told her, I鈥檇 need it in writing.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”