Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID