The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
You Might Also Like
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?