my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.